* Apaul of Tartarus, is the human author of the following epistles of the Noose Testament: Pro-man’s, I&II Carnalians, Galivants, Effusians, Flippantians, Confusions, I&II Thatserroneous, I&II Apathy, Fritus, Fleement, and Beshrews (Some question Apaul’s authorship of this epistle. Martin Loser sums up this debate–as well as any: “Only God knows or cares.”)

Apaul of Tartarus, to the Church Council at Jerusalem, October 67 A.D., grapes and peas to you–the best of Cain’s offering to you! Don’t you think that it is about time that you fired Paul? The man is a walking reproach to the cause! Is there no one there in Jerusalem spiritual enough to see that there are seven reasons why he should quit?

PAUL’S PREACHING
Well, Paul never was a Simon Peter. Now Peter could draw crowds! Paul has had to resort to house to house ministry! “I have shewed you, and have taught you publickly, and from house to house.” What type of a preacher doesn’t preach in a church? Preaching on street corners and public places is so demeaning to our religion! What does it say to the hoi polloi that a preacher doesn’t even get invited to preach in real places of worship? I ask you!
As you know, Paul claims to be an apostle. Many of us would dispute that claim. Some others say Paul is an evangelist–not a pastor. If that is so, then where are the big crowds for Paul? Has Paul ever filled a stadium like Gilly Brayam does?. Where are the decision cards? Where are the baptisms? Isn’t it obvious to you that “little” Paul is running on empty? He is past his prime!

PAUL’S PROBLEMS
If Paul is such a man of God, then why is he having so much trouble? II Corinthians 11:23-28 “Are they ministers of Christ? I speak as a fool I am more;…in stripes above measure, in prisons more frequent, in deaths oft. Of the Jews five times received I forty stripes save one. Thrice was I beaten with rods, once was I stoned, thrice I suffered shipwreck, a night and a day I have been in the deep; In journeyings often, in perils of waters, in perils of robbers, in perils by mine own countrymen, in perils by the heathen, in perils in the city, in perils in the wilderness, in perils in the sea, in perils among false brethren; In weariness and painfulness, in watchings often, in hunger and thirst, in fastings often, in cold and nakedness. Beside those things that are without, that which cometh upon me daily, the care of all the churches.”

PAUL’S PERSONNEL
If he is such a big man of God, then why do people leave him? “At my first answer no man stood with me, but all men forsook me.” II Timothy 4:16 Why couldn’t he even get along with Barnabas–the son of consolation! Can’t he compromise–a little? Does he know what “tact” is? Has he never ever heard of situational ethics? Does he need to be so confrontational? HE EVEN WITHSTOOD PETER TO THE FACE–and over a measly doctrine. Doesn’t Paul know that doctrine divides? It’s luv, L-O-V-E, that unites!

PAUL’S POVERTY
Can’t the Jerusalem Church Council Mission Board buy him a nice suit or something? What do you think that the educated–professional people–are going to think about Paul. Do you think that a banker–or any professional person–would sit under his ministry? No. They’ll go to a prestige church and sit under an eloquent speaker.
And, just what kind of an example is he for the young preachers? I tell you–it is a bad reflection on Christ and on the council!

PAUL’S PUNINESS.
II Corinthians 10:10, “For his letters, say they, are weighty and powerful; BUT HIS BODILY PRESENCE IS WEAK, AND HIS SPEECH CONTEMPTIBLE.” He looks BAD! And, he is B-O-R-I-N-G! Even Peter has trouble understanding everything that he is writing. Anyone can write–under inspiration of God–you’ve got to have talent to be a good public speaker.

PAUL’S PERSECUTION
He is stirring up more and more trouble with Rome. Mark my words. It’s going to come down on our heads–your heads. Ever heard of Nero? He is an ambitious man. He is just looking for a issue to demagogue. There’s nothing more that he would like than a excuse to get rid of Christians. And, it won’t be banishment this time–it’ll be beheading! It wouldn’t surprise me if Paul doesn’t get his fool head cut off! If his goes–yours will be next!.

PAUL IS A PRISONER.
Isn’t that a great testimony for Christ? A preacher with a police record. Great! Now–he’s under house arrest. Rumor is that’s going to end real soon! He won’t listen to me. Please contact him. It’s your responsibility.

[Preacher, doesn't it make you mad that Apaul would even suggest that Paul should quit? AREN'T YOU GLAD THAT HE DIDN'T? Then why are you using some of the same lame excuses to consider quitting? DON'T YOU QUIT. Keep on keepin' on!]

Mark 4:15 “And these are they by the way side, where the word is sown; but when they have heard, Satan cometh immediately, and taketh away the word that was sown in their hearts.”

It might just be a piece of candy–a swirled red and white disc of candy, flavored with peppermint, and wrapped in cellophane–to you. And, you might have been lulled into thinking of it as only something that satisfies a sweet tooth, soothes a scratchy throat, or sweetens the breath. However, that little mint becomes a deadly weapon in the hand of some people! These people are serial killers–of a sort–in your church! They do not kill people–directly. They kill the spirit of a service.

They come in both genders, all sizes, all ages, and all colors. They are either Christian or non-Christian. (Amazingly, the vast majority are Christian!) They slip into the services of your church armed and dangerous. Their weapons having been deftly concealed in a pocket or a purse. Even if your church had a metal detector, it would not stop their dastardly deeds. They would slip right through with their sucrose and cellophane weapon hidden somewhere on their person.

Who are they? What do they look like? How can one identify them? Well, that is not an easy task. Because, they look like me. They look like you. They even look like your uncle–or your grandmother! You cannot go by appearances. They just blend in. Then they pick off their innocent by-sitters–one by one.

How many times have I witnessed their mayhem while preaching from the pulpit or while listening from a pew to a guest preacher. Oh, the perpetrators would say that they are innocent–and, that they did not mean to kill anything, or anyone. Yet, isn’t that what they all say?

The only way that you can identify them is by their M.O. (Latin, modus operandi–i.e. “method of operation”). If you are going to catch them, then you are going to have to catch them in action. You ask, “How hard can it be to catch someone eating candy?” Dear soul, it is not that simple. The candy monster is not the only serial killer in the church. Basically the M.O.’s fall into four categories–which can be generally identified by: the counter/mumbler, the clipper/manicurist, the curator of memorabilia, and–worst of all the aforementioned candy monster.

The counter/mumbler, whose favorite books in the Bible are Numbers, I Chronicles, and II Chronicles, is the one who counts people, pews, hymnals, light fixtures, electrical outlets, knots in the wood, tiles, perforations in ceiling tiles, etc. They are a nuisance to all those seated around them. Because, although they have their head pointed in a forward direction, their head is noticeably askance–tilted just enough to discombobulate the earnest seeker. Also, they sometimes have to point as they count. Oh, they do not blatantly point a finger out in front of them. No! They use an overt head nod or little finger point from wherever their hand might be resting–i.e. neatly folded on the lap, around a wife’s shoulder, or resting on a Bible. The dead give away, however, is the occasional whispered slips, “one hundred nine… one hundred ten…one hundred ‘leven”. The really experienced counters can compute–in their head–the square footage of auditorium, the cubic footage of the building, and even the BTU index for the structure: i.e. If you were foolish enough to ask, then the response would be something like, “That’s four times the cubic footage for a well insulated building and six times for a poorly insulated one. This building needs 1.5 million BTU for its HACV (Heating/Air Conditioning, and Ventilation).” YET, if you were to ask Mr. or Mrs. Calculator what the morning message was about, he–or she–is as dumb as a mud fence

The clipper/manicurist works on his or her nails at a service. Somehow they can get multiple “clips” out of each and every nail. These folks need our prayer. Their nails are pretty; but, their souls are crooked, crusty, and coarse; and, they must be cursed with the fastest growing finger nails! Because, somehow, they are able to “clip…clip…clip!” during every service. They are real clip artists! Yet–make no mistake about it–it is an evil art! Only God knows how deadly a well placed “clip” can be. Without a doubt, it interferes with the working of the Holy Spirit. It is not that a little fifty-nine cent finger nail clipper is mightier than the Sword of the Spirit–or the Spirit. Rather, it is that the human heart is more tender than the finger nail. Do you ever think that the clipper/manicurist even considers the damaging effect that clipping has on the quick of a tender heart? Clipping nails, trimming nose hairs, plucking eyebrows or chin hairs, AND all other acts of personal hygiene–should be done in private. Please.

The curator of memorabilia uses the service to take a long leisurely stroll down memory lane. Hidden in the leaves of his or her otherwise unused Bible are hair clippings from children and grandchildren–neatly tied with an appropriate pink or blue ribbon, a card sent from a loved one–now long deceased, numerous obituary clippings, missionary prayer cards,ar, a smile, a pensive staring off into the past, a “hmm…”, or even a chuckle! The parade of curiosities from the leather bound menagerie kept the spectators–seated all around the curator–from getting anything from the message.

Finally, the worst of all, is the candy monster. This person is the worst because of the number affected and because their method is such cruel and unusual torture. A “clip…clip” might be as far ranging; BUT, it is over in a snippet. However, the cruel candy monster has perfected the unwrapping of a single piece of candy so that it is clearly heard by everyone–even the deaf!–and does it so slowly that even the most spiritual saint is distracted. The candy monster has learned to stagger the intervals between the “crinkles” of unwrapping the candy–varying them from a few milli-seconds to as much as a quarter minute. The most skilled candy monsters can thus extend the torture for minutes–perhaps as much as nine to ten minutes! (These people are the same ones who would pull a band-aid off a child’s scraped knee–one cell at a time! Or, if they were giving you an injection, they would take a minute and a half just pushing the needle in–and two minutes pulling it out! OR, if, while they were writing on a blackboard, the chalk started screeching, then they can stretch the screech out until everyone’s teeth are on edge–EVEN THOSE WHO HAVE DENTURES! Do you get the picture? Need I say more??) Has it never occurred to the candy monster to place–just prior to the service–a piece or two of candy in a clean handkerchief?

People should go to church to worship the LORD. They should sit quietly and attentively. It is disrespectful to God, His Word, the preacher, and your brothers and sisters in the Lord to be so disruptive.

Don’t be an accomplice to murder. Don’t be an impedi-mint to the Gospel. Don’t assist the Devil in stealing the Word from people’s hearts. Just once–don’t perform acts of personal hygiene in the service, don’t count anything, and don’t let your mind wander. Try going a whole hour without putting something in your mouth. And, who knows? You might get something from the service. Moreover, everyone else is more likely to get something!

Has the state considered slot machines in restrooms–attached to the inside of the stall door? A lot of gaming time is being wasted–and think of the relief for people who want to gamble all the time! Or, above urinals? Only one armed men might be handicapped in playing a one armed bandit. Think of the tax income going down the drain. Or, what about doctor’s/dentist’s offices? How many hours are wasted in those places? Slot machines could certainly fill a void there. In fact, why couldn’t there be something like portable gaming machines available for those having mammograms, pelvic exams or colonoscopies? It could definitely help take their mind off other things. (A percentage of winnings in doctor or dentist offices could help offset co-pays and insurance costs? Mr. Obama, are you listening?)

Churches? Many of the churches that had bingo parlors have emerged to become Yuppity-doo-dah churches which already offer internet rooms–with cappuccino machines. How difficult would it be to offer online gambling? Besides a fee for the holy Hot Spot, a tithe of the winnings could be credited to the church treasury! Indulgences and penance fines could be paid by winnings! Just think you could help aunt Maude get out of purgatory for gambling by gambling! How sweet is that–especially for Aunty M?

What about funeral homes and cemeteries? There is a lot of dead time in those places–and, people are dying to get in! What about taxis and buses–especially bus stations? Blood banks? Airport check-in lines? Couldn’t judges and magistrates offer convicted criminals double the fine–or nothing? Don’t criminals have the right to gamble?

Can we, in this time of deep economic recession and ten percent unemployment, have too many Hot Spots? Unemployed and poor people need the entertainment from gambling and a place to take their minds off of their abject poverty.

Listen, I think that everyone of us should stand outside these Hot Spots and thank patrons–especially the ones who smoke–for keeping the state afloat by their willingness to pay excessive and regressive taxes on their vices.

If we are going to secularize the Calendar–i.e. remove any references to Christ, then I think that we should also secularize the names of the day of the week:

Sunday is named after the Sun. The ancient pagan Greeks and Romans believed that the sun was the source of life on the planet and they gave it prime importance in their thinking–hence, the first day of the week.

Monday is named for the Moon. If sun is honored on Sunday, it would be lunacy to not give the Moon a place of prominence on Monday. And, indeed, the word for Monday is derived from a pagan Gerrmanic word for Moon, “Monandaeg”.

The word “Tuesday”, however, was derived from a wholly different religious tradition. Tyr or Tiw was the Norse God of War.

The mid-day of the week is named for the Norse God, Odin. He was also known as Woden or Wotan–hence, Wednesday.

Thor was the Norse God of Thunder. The Angles and Saxon’s who invaded England in the 500′s carried belief in Thor with them in their wanderings and wars. To the ancient Roman’s, the fifth day of the week was known as “dies jovis”. The Roman’s had named it for their own God of Thunder, and also chief of the Gods, Jupiter. When the Germanic tribes supplanted the resident Roman’s of England they also supplanted their Gods. They replaced Jupiter or Jove with Thor. Thus came the name, Thorsdaeg which comes down to modern English speakers as Thursday.

Friday? The name of the day is derived from yet another Norse God (in this case a goddess), Frigga. She was believed to be the wife of Odin and was the goddess of marriage and the hearth.

Saturday was named for the Roman God of Time and the Harvest, Saturn. The Anglo-Saxons simply adapted the Roman, “dies saturni”, making it Saterdaeg.

If we are to secularize the calendar, we cannot leave the names of the days of the week pagan. Can we? If Christmas is to be shortened to Holiday, Christmas tree to Holiday Tree, Easter to Bunny Time, then I think it would be unconscionable to let the days of the week violate the separation of church and state. We must secularize–rename–the days of the week:

Sunday could be changed to Firstday; but, that would seem to make the day of Christian worship to seem to have priority. So, the first day of the week should be given the generic name: Oneday, Monday: OneMoDay, Tuesday: Twoday (two days after Oneday), Wednesday: HumpDay (although , if hunchbacks are offended, we can change it to the more politically correct: PCday . Thursday: Fourday. Friday: TNITday (The “T” is silent–”Thank Nothing Its TNIFday!”); and Saturday: EndDay.

SO, the sooner we adopt : OneDay, OneMoDay, TwoDay, HumpDay (PCDay), FourDay, TNITDay and EndDay–the BETTER! The pagans have been given an unfair advantage over other religions. We need to get rid of all references to God or gods–let’s do it for the children!

This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units.

This defect has been technically termed ‘Sub-sequential Internal Non-Morality,’ or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.

Some of the symptoms include:
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion in the mental component
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion

The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this defect.

The Repair Technician, Jesus Christ, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.

The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.

Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component.

No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9.. Self control

Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Believers’ Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes..

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility. Thank you for your attention!
~~God

P. S. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice, and you may contact the Father

BACKWARD CHRISTIAN SOLDIER

Cranny Fosby

Backward Christian soldiers, fleeing from the fight,

With the cross of Jesus clearly out of sight:

Christ our rightful Master stands against the foe,

But forward into battle we are chicken to go.

Like a mighty tortoise moves the church of God;

Brothers we are treading where we’ve often trod,

We are much divided, many bodies we,

Having different doctrines, not much charity.

Crowns and thrones may perish, kingdoms rise and wane,

But the Church of Jesus hidden does remain;

Gates of hell should never ‘gainst that Church prevail,

We have Christ’s own promise, but think that it will fail.

Sit here, then, ye people, join our useless throng;

Blend with ours your voices in a feeble song.

Blessings, ease, and comfort, ask from Christ the King.

With our modern thinking, we won’t do a thing.

Generally speaking, mules and churches present themselves for wrestling in one of three stances: the standing, the sitting, or the supine. (Mules don’t run when it comes to wrestling. They are real sports about that. Churches can’t run–they just split.)
The supine, lying down, mule is the easiest to wrestle. If it is alive, then just go over, pin it, and count, “1-2-3″, real fast. You win! However, this never happens. Nothing in pastoring or mule wrestling is ever that easy. Believe me!

Sometimes–when the mule or church is lying down–it is because it is dead. In such cases, it is not considered either sportsmanlike or profitable to wrestle the mule–just take its shoes for scrap iron, cut off its tail for a souvenir , bury it, and then say, “Adios!”

This seems like the obvious thing to do. Doesn’t it? However, to most people’s amazement, many–otherwise intelligent–men do wrestle dead mules. They never learn to simply say, “Adios” in any language or any way. After a while, you never hear anything more from them. Putrefaction gets them–probably. If it doesn’t–it should have.

When a church is spiritually on its side–belly up for all practical purposes–it is probably dead, as well. (Revelation 3:1) In such cases, the church should just be allowed–or even encouraged–to close up. Don’t feel guilty about this particular turn of events. Believe me! You are doing the Lord’s work! The Devil would rather run a church than close it up. Any church that can close–should close! And, a dead mule should be buried.

Secondly, some mules are sitting–hunkered down into a stubbornly steadfast position. It is virtually impossible to pin the mule in such cases. You can try. However, the attempt usually just degenerates into your making a monumental spectacle of yourself. No matter how you try–you cannot get the mule off balance. It is exasperating–believe me. I’ve tried. Many of the men, who attempt this futile assault, die from shear exhaustion or rethink their commitment–i.e. sometimes others rethink their commitment . Or, this decision is made for them by the angry mule or church–which is the best for the wrestler, the mule, and all others concerned. You see, the sitting mule is in what we call in the classic five point stance: the two front legs, its two hind legs, and its rump. It is that rump that gets you. (Most people are not aware that mules have a prehensile rump. It is used as an anchor–of sorts.)

Wrestling a standing mule is about the easiest that it comes. However, there are three ways to make your attack: the frontal, side, or rear assault (or insult–as the case may be). Your choice of tactics determines your success. This is important–remember this fact for later reference.

The rear assault is one of the most dangerous and stupid plans of attack. However, it is the one that EVERY novice mule wrestler tries first–probably for both of the aforementioned reasons. The tail–attached to the prehensile rump–is just a too tempting handle. However, one should remember that this “handle” also works the kick and drag mechanism. If one survives learning that fact, then another–less painful–tact is almost always decided upon. Although, this wrestler [the author] has made the keen observation that there are many men who never make the connection between the pulling the tail action and the resultant kick reaction. Fortunately–sooner or later–the wrestler gets kicked in the head. Usually, this either kills them or improves their thinking skills–sometimes both.
The side attack requires some underhanded–or underbelly–maneuvering. Although you can tip a sleeping cow, you cannot tip a mule–asleep or awake! You see… this particular mule take-down requires that you reach under the mule’s belly, grab the mule’s outside legs, and jerk hard–REAL HARD! However, this never works; because–of course–the mule goes into the classic straddle-stance. In which, he just spreads his legs as far apart in all the cardinal directions–north, south, east, and west. This defensive position places the wrestler in an only slightly less difficult predicament than trying to attack the sitting stance.

Be advised: this tactic is more dangerous than trying to budge a sitting mule. Uncle Floyd found that out. He tried the grab and jerk maneuver. However, the mule did not fall over–he just settled down and squashed Floyd. This is how he (Floyd) met his Maker. There is one move that might work against the straddle-stance. Although, to date, it has never been used on a mule. A pastor friend of mine tried to baptize a rather large woman, who was proportionately afraid of the water. When the pastor tried to dunk her, she locked her arms to the side of the tank and refused to submerge. Although the pastor was applying more than sufficient backward and downward force, she was relentless in her opposition. So, it occurred to the pastor to attempt the knee collapse maneuver. In which, as you might remember from school yard pranks, this is the one in which you come from behind a person and knee the victim in the back of his or her knee–causing the knee to buckle. Sometimes the victim collapses to the ground. This is great humor to some–except the collapsed. Since no one could see him do that, the pastor tried it. Well, it did not work that well. Although it did break her hold on the tank and did cause her to go under, she pulled the pastor under with her. What happened next was more spectacular than a tank full of octopi–at feeding time. Pastor and the baptizee were under the water for a long time. People sat in stunned silence–not knowing what to do. Some thought that they should attempt a rescue; however, they did not want to violate the implied sanctity of the service. Fortunately, since there is only one way to go from the bottom of the tank, the pastor and the woman eventually surfaced–arms flailing. Thus, they survived the watery ordeal.

Listen! The only way to approach mule wrestling and pastoring is head on–the good old frontal approach. Be up front and forthright. Don’t try any monkey–or donkey–business. Let the other contestants see who and what you are. Speak plainly. Be open and honest. Approach the mule–staring it down. When you get close enough, then grab the mule around the neck reaching your arm entirely around the creatures throat and grab the ear closest to you. Hold on with all your might and pull! This should cause the mule to jerk its head in your direction–lifting you off of the ground. At that very instant, bite the mule with all the teeth and strength you’ve got on the soft spot between its nostrils. Become as dead weight and collapse to the floor–STILL HOLDING THE EAR AND BITING THE MULES NOSE! Do not let up until the stupefied mule falls to ground and cries, “Uncle!–Uncle Floyd!!” An easy pin should follow. (I know that the SPCA will condemn this tactic; however, any other take-down gives the mule the advantage.)

If–for any reason–you do not feel that you can mule wrestle in this manner, then NEVER TRY PASTORING!

(C) 2009  Pastor Terry Hagedorn

All Rights Reserved